WINMX Assorted Textfiles/Ebooks.tar/Text - Humor - Looney Laws in LA.rtf

Text File | 2003-08-15 | 11KB | 178 lines

                              Loonly Laws in L.A.

   Against the law to ride an "ugly horse?" Illegal for a fireman to rescue a
woman wearing a nightgown? Prohibited from walking around with an ice-cream
cone in your pocket? Author Samuel Johnson once said, "The law is the last
result of human wisdom acting upon human experience for the benefit of the
public."  A noble philosophy, perhaps, but Johnson's opinion is debatable at
best.

   Officials who wrote some of the L.A. area's old laws appear to have acted
for no greater purpose than a good belly laugh.  But there are real reasons
for some of these laws.  For instance, those regarding horses were largely
passed to favor and protect the horse in the late 1800s and early 1900s, when
horses were still the primary mode of transportation.  An old ordinance won't
allow acrobats to perform on any city sidewalk in L.A. because the city
fathers decreed acrobatics might frighten some of the local horses.

   Clothing laws, by and large, originated around the same time period.  Laws
dealing with women were always designed by men who were often quite
prejudiced by today's standards in their thinking toward "the weaker sex."
The extremely fundamentalistic attitudes of many small-town religious leaders
often prevailed - hence, we find laws governing the wearing of corsets,
nightgowns, shoes, and hats.  Doctors practicing in Long Beach, for example,
seem to have a special social responsibility.  An unusual piece of loony
legislation says every woman must "be found to be wearing a corset" when
attending any public dance. A physician is required to inspect each female at
the dance.  The doctor must ascertain that the woman is, in fact, complying
with this archaic law.

   Any laws having to do with Sunday were usually written and passed as the
need arose with the intent of keeping the Sabbath holy.  The church has
enormous influence on laws pertaining to gambling, curfews for young women,
women drinking alcoholic beverages, flirting, and even eating ice cream.  In
Bonsall, no one may read the Sunday paper while sitting in a rocking chair on
their front porch while church services are in session.

   There's a strange ordinance in Covina where "A husband is not guilty of
desertion when his wife rents his room to a boarder and crowds him out of the
house."

   Drivers in Hemet should be aware that the driver of "any vehicle involved
in an accident resulting in death...shall immediately stop...and give his
name and address to the person struck."

   A true dog lover, according to City Managaer Doug Weiford, might enjoy
living in Riverside.  An old piece of legislation stops local citizens from
"sticking out a tongue in the direction of a dog."  Nor can people living in
Ventura make "ugly faces" at dogs who are found to be "freely roaming" the
community.  Animals appear to be treated fairly in Upland but pity the poor
owner: "It shall be unlawful for the owner or keeper of horses, mules,
cattle, sheep, goats, and hogs to run at large."  And don't bother duck
hunting at night in Apple Valley.  Ducks aren't allowed to be heard quacking
after 10:00 p.m.

   Do you have difficulty flirting?  You can't, according to the municipal
code in Inglewood: "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate
limits of the city of Inglewood, to wink at any female person with whom he
is unacquainted."  Beverly Hills also has an anti-flirting law.  City Manager
Ed Kreins quotes this ordinance: "No male person shall make remarks to or
concerning, or cough or whistle at, or do any other act to attract the
attention of any woman upon or traveling along any of the sidewalks."

   Males in Buena Park have an even more difficult time in this regard. They
are specifically prohibited from "turning and looking at a woman in that way"
on the Sabbath. If he's caught a second time, the violator has to "wear horse
blinders" for a 24-hour period in public.

   Community lawmakers do sometimes have a sense of humor.  According to City
Manager Ralph Webb, Baldwin Park politcos once decreed that "No female shall
appear in a bathing suit on any street within this community unless she is
escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club."  An
amendment to the original ordinance reads "The provisions of this status
shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds or exceeding 200
pounds nor shall it apply to female horses."

   You probably don't know that Santa Moinca has a "bean snapper" law.  City
Manager John Jalili declares: "Any person who shall in the city of Santa
Monica use or carry concealed or unconcealed any bean snapper or like
article, shall, upon conviction, be fined."

   Drivers beware when going through Los Angeles County.  An early speed law
was worded: "Speed upon county roads will be limited to 10 miles an hour
unless the motorist sees a baliff who does not appear to have had a drink in
30 days, then the driver will be permitted to make what he can."  And
"Whoever operates an automobile on any public way - laid out under the
authority of law recklessly or while under the influence of liquor shall be
punished; thereby imposing upon the motorist the duty of finding out at his
peril whether certain highways had been laid out recklessly or while under
the influence of liquor before driving his car over them."  You figure it
out. In the same vein, there's a beauty from Whittier that says "Two vehicles
which are passing each other in opposite directions shall have the right of
way."  Uh huh.

   An old-fashioned piece of legislation in Hesperia outlaws dueling under
certain circumstances: no one is allowed to duel when the opponents select
water pistols for use as the weapons.

   Monrovia has a unique old wedding law.  No young man can marry the girl of
his dreams until he has "proven his manhood."  How?  It's quite simple; all
the poor fellow is required to do is go out and shoot six blackbirds or three
crows which must then be brought to his prospective father-in-law.

   Stay away from Compton while wearing slack with hip pockets.  The city
fathers long ago passed an ordinance banning hip pockets in all men's pants -
it was considered to be a perfect place to hide a pint of liquor.  Let's hope
thirst doesn't become a major problem if you're a woman in Ojai.  No female
can expect to walk into a tavern and be graciously served. It's illegal for a
woman to stand within five feet of a bar when she takes a drink in any public
establishment serving alcoholic beverages.  She's in violation of this law
even if she only wants a glass of water!

   A thirsty married man, according to the law in Camarillo, could have
serious problems. He can't purchase any form of liquor without first having
the written consent of his loving spouse.  And an old law in Gardena,
according to City Manager Ken Landau, prohibits a woman from chewing tobacco
without first having permission from her husband.

   You could be breaking the law when you're just trying to have an innocent
night out.  Boisterous adults and children can be penalized in Mailbu should
they "laugh out loud" in a movie theater.  And in Costa Mesa, citizens aren't
allowed to enter a movie theater within four hours of eating garlic.

   Don't even thing of playing cards with a pregnant woman or a child on the
curb of any street in Temecula.  And according to the revised ordinances in
Pomona, "No person shall hallo, shout, bawl, scream, use profane language,
dance, sing, whoop, quarrel, or make any unusual noise or sound in any house
in such a manner as to disturb the peace and quiet of the neighborhood."

   Fashion can be dangerous.  In Norwalk, "Any person who shall wear in a
public place any device or thing attached to her head, hair, headgear or hat,
which device or thing is capable or lacerating the flesh of any other person
with whom it may come in contact and which is not sufficiently guarded
against the possibility of so doing, shall be adjudged a disorderly person."
Watch out, fashion victims.

   If you've been out on the trail a bit too long and your horse is weary, be
sure you don't let it fall asleep within the city limits of El Monte.  They
have an antiquated law in them parts that prohibits a horse from falling
asleep in a bathtub, unless the rider is also sleeping with the horse. And if
you own a horse in Pico Rivera, it's strictly forbidden - if you're a woman,
attired in shorts, and you weigh over 200 pounds - to ride your horse in
public.  In Santa Ana, it's illegal to let a horse sleep in a bakery.

   You've got to be careful even when you're hungry.  If you can't find a can
opener, whatever you do, don't try to shoot your canned foods open with a
revolver in Victorville.  And if you're a barber in Valencia, don't dare eat
onions between the hours of 7:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.

   Ice cream crops up quite a few times in the various cities' law books. In
Chino, citizens are prohibited from carrying an ice-cream cone in their
pocket, and in Rosemead, it's against the law to eat an ice cream in public
with a fork.

   Try to stay away from Arcadia if you're planning to take your date for a
late cup of coffee.  An old ordinance prohibits "young women" from drinking a
delicious cup of brew after 6:00 p.m.  Speaking of drinking, a law in
Bellflower actually offers a degree of protection to drunks: "A drunken man
had as good a right to a perfect sidewalk as a sober man since he needs one a
good deal more."

   Have to pay a visit to a dentist in the near future?  In Irvine a patient
is not allowed to pull a dentist's tooth. Those who partake of such frivolous
activities can be jailed.  But in Castaic, fairness seems to govern the
thinking of former lawmakers.  A dentist had better not accidentally pull the
wrong tooth. Should this happen, the patient has the right to pull one of the
dentist's teeth in return.

   These are merely a few of the unusual situations covered by ludicrous laws
throughout the Los Angeles area.  Most of these decrees were written and then
forgotten with the swift passage of time.  Relevant or ridiculous, most are
still around today.  Clergyman Henry Ward Beecher said it all when he summed
up his view on the art of lawmaking: "We bury men when they are dead, but we
try to embalm the dead body of laws, keeping the corpse in sight long after
the vitality has gone.  It usually takes a hundred years to make a law; and
then, after the law had done its work, it usually takes another hundred years
to get rid of it."